[Gaming On A Budget] Part I: Bitching, BioWare, and Realm of the Mad God

Hey, you know what I hate? A lot of stuff. Because I'm incredibly bitter. I don't care if you just had a baby, it looks like a pruney and pink gremlin. Yes, your "varsity" lawn is great, but I don't want to hear about how you sold your soul to get it so nice and green. And, really, I could name about one less than infinity things that I'd rather be doing than hearing about your day. That one thing that I couldn't name? It's hearing about your day. Surprise.

"Honey, that pact I made with Satan came through!
What do you mean 'the baby's gone'? Look at the lawn!!"

But, something I do like is video games. Video games in the morning. Video games in the evening. Video games at supper time. Sadly, even video games have found a way to piss me off. See this?

FINISH THE FIGHT.... for sixty bucks.
MEET A PROTHEAN..... for ten dollars and a shit-eating grin from the Gamestop employee
REALIZE THAT YOU'VE JUST BEEN RIPPED OFF... priceless/your dignity(?)

This was sixty bucks. Seventy bucks, if you were as much of an idiot as I was and bought the DLC. I paid seventy dollars for a piece of entertainment that will last me about, eh, 40 hours? 50, maybe? Granted, that's just considering the single player experience, but I'm not feeling too good about going online any time soon. Apparently (at the time of writing this), there are hacked maps and if you play on one, you can get banned from not only the multiplayer but the singleplayer too, and.... Well, that's material for a whole other review.

I have many names... Satan, HIM, Beelz...

But, you can call me 'Aaryn Flynn.'
Now, about that future DLC for Mass Effect 3 with the real endings..."

The point is is that I love video games, but I hate how expensive they are. If I wanted an expensive hobby, I'd get into Warhammer or an MMO. Maybe buy a handgun and go to the shooting range. I could guzzle expensive bourbons, or I could even go down the street and spend 80 bucks an hour for a little slap and tickle from Ezmeralda and Candice... I got plenty of other options that probably have varying amounts of “fun” attached to them, and they could very well contain more funs than my blind 60-70 dollar investment does.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't have the disposable income for this: I'm a college student. I only have another year of my parents paying for everything before I have to start depending on my salary as a teacher, and we all know how hilarious of a joke that is. The resolution here is simple: play cheap and free games that still supply enough entertainment value to keep me “happy.” Not my biggest challenge, as that particular title belongs to the “don't toss your Sega Genesis out the window while playing Kid Chameleon as an eight-year-old” challenge... But, it's still going to be considerably difficult.

God DAMN IT, BLOODY SWAMP.
I will murder whoever thought rubber stairs was a good idea EVER.

The first game I'm reviewing is called Realm of the Mad God. Created by a small game company, Wild Shadow Studios, Realm of the Mad God is a flash-based MMO that's played from your browser. Nostalgia waved over me instantly as I was presented with several pixelated characters. There are 13 character classes to choose from, though only one is immediately available to you right off the bat: the Wizard. As you play the game and level up your selected class, you unlock the other classes. Surviving as a level five Wizard allows you access to the Priest class. Making it to level five as a Priest makes the Hunter class available. And so on. When you play for the first time, you are taken through a tutorial that gives you the basics of gameplay: WASD to move, mouse to aim, left click to attack, spacebar to use your class's special move (like the Rogue's invisibility or the Priest's healing magic). It also gives you a handy magical ring that will hopefully help you survive longer. That's essentially it.

The cutest murder machines you've ever seen

The game is sinister in its approach, however. What seems to be a relatively easy game in the beginning becomes ball-bustingly hard as you progress through the Realm. The enemies start off as pirates and baby scorpions for you to whomp on.... and then there's the Leviathan and the Tomb Ancients and of course, Oryx: the Mad God himself. They will all crush you. Indefinitely. Even when you think you and fifty other people managed to kill him, you discover that it was just his Simulacrum..... The Real Mad God awaits you in his Wine Cellar.

The best thing about this game is its “I couldn't give less of a shit” attitude it has toward the players. If you die? You're dead. Game over. All items on your person are lost forever. All of your character's progress is gone. Take a look at the leaderboards, see that your character was no where close to as good as these other dead chumps, and then start all over again..... That's awesome. We live in a world in which our video games hold our hands. Yeah, I'm playing through Mass Effect 3 on Insanity right now. Is it really hard? Yeah, of course it is. One shot from an enemy can easily take my lifebar divebomb down to a sliver. But, guess what? If I die? I can just reload from the last save point and try it again. And again. And again. Until I finally get it done and I can move on. Realm of the Mad God takes that idea, picks up the corpse of your max-level Knight full of high tier gear, wipes its bitterly sweet cutesy pixelated ass on it, and says “Better luck next time, dumbass!”

[I'd Google "pixel ass" for a picture to insert here, but I'd rather not flag the FBI. Use your imaginations, guys.]

Now, it's time for me to spit a few specifics out here for you. The game is completely free, to an extent. There is a real-money-into-internet-money thing going on here, but it really is optional. The coins that you can buy can be used to buy additional chests for account-wide item storage, additional character slots, name changes, and items that are simply cosmetic. Now, you CAN buy keys to dungeons and healing potions with coins, but as most players will tell you, it isn't even worth it... Mostly because you are only given one character slot and one chest for free, per account. If you'd buy anything for the game, it'd probably be additional character slots; otherwise, you can only play one character at a time. If you want to try a different class because oh man, you just got this sweet-ass sword that Knights can use and you're a Wizard....it looks like you'll have to say goodbye to your Wizard.

"Dear mom: I'm sorry, but I must leave forever...

A Staff of Necrotic Arcana just dropped, and I can't use it,
because somebody thought I'd make a great Knight. THANKS, DAD."

But, hey, it's hard to complain about something that's free. The game has several servers connected by a hub (called "The Nexus"), and each server can hold a little over 80 people simultaneously. Also, every time the server's inhabitants manage to kill the Mad God, the entire world gets completely remade into a new one. The player base consists mostly of English-speaking people, though I have met quite a few Russians during my travels. Everyone is helpful, generally. Occasionally you'll get the annoying beggar, or someone will grab an item that you wanted, but none of it usually matters too much. If you get annoyed with a certain player, it takes about a grand total of 30 seconds to switch servers. As for the items, most of the good stuff that drops depends on how much damage you do to higher-level monsters. These item drops, which will be purple instead of the typical brown, can only be seen and picked up by you: no one else will have a clue that something special dropped just for you. Therefore, item stealing only really happens in the early stages of your character's journey... even then, the items being stolen are hardly worth the tears.

All in all, this game is pretty addicting. I've sunk some major hours into this fun little game without spending a single cent. If you got some free time, a little patience to lose, and a thirst for mindless nostalgic point-and-shoot with a twist... Check out Realm of the Mad God. Before I leave, I should warn those of you out there with bad internet connections: play Realm of the Mad God at your own risk. Your character can easily die due to a lag spike, and if you've spent a great deal of time getting that character leveled up, prepare to become butthurt.

This is Cameron Lawrence, signing off. See me next time when I either rant about how pissed off I am at Bioware for ruining a perfectly good franchise... Or, when I talk about how I want to have mind-blowingly passionate/rough sex with whoever thought up the little game that's sweeping the nation, Draw Something. Goodnight.

They never found the body of Spiderman 3: The Video Game.

They'll never find you

Helpful Links:

Realm of the Mad God

Realm of the Mad God Wiki Incredibly useful, I highly recommend giving this site a look-through before beginning your first game.

Image sources for those so inclined, in order of appearance.