[Re-Play] The Simpsons: Bart's Nightmare

Recognize this?

For those of you who don't, this is just one of many introductions to the Simpsons, a TV show that features and parodies pop culture and current events. When the Simpsons were still a relatively new family to everyone in America, I was still a young boy who didn't catch any of the references on comedy shows and yet... there was something appealing about the yellow family of Springfield. One of the best character on the show, Bart, brought out the destructive youth in all of us. Who better for a protagonist in a game?

The Simpsons family | simpsons.wikia.com

The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare has you live out the “worst” dreams of everyone’s favorite troublemaker. The story starts off as Bart falls asleep trying to complete an assignment at his desk. As he dozes off he is transported to a world ridiculously similar to his hometown of Springfield. The main area, called Windy World, resembles Evergreen Terrace; the street Bart’s family lives on in the show. Here, Bart searches for pieces of his homework, which lead to different mini-game levels.

In my opinion, this area really only serves as a hub world, but combat with other characters (via blowing bubblegum bubbles) and minor exploration can be done. Once Bart finds a page of his homework, he must jump into it, which will transport him to a hallway with two doors, one of which he must quickly choose. Each door is one of several colors, each representing a different world Bart will travel to. Once the level is completed a piece of Bart’s homework will be recovered. Bart dons many different outfits through his journey, including Bartman (blue door), Indiana Bart (orange), and Bartzilla (green). The other two doors find Bart in the world of Itchy & Scratchy (yellow) and Bart's bloodstream (purple).  Each level offers a different style of gameplay, which keeps the majority of the game refreshing and challenging.

GameFAQs.com

The Idea: Combine Simpsons intellectual property with some pop-culture references and throw it in a bag. Shake up the standard gameplay with five different “levels”, each of which must be completed to finish Bart's assignment, and you've got yourself a game! Possibly add in a few hits of acid for some creative inspiration… 

Intro & Bartzilla level

The Look: 16-bit Bart and friends look pretty good for the time and a lot of the Simpsons characters are present including Homer and Marge (as “Homer Kong” and “Momthra”, respectively), Lisa, Maggie, Itchy and Scratchy, Principal Skinner and more.

godisageek.com

The Sound: The sound was pretty much what you’d expect from a 90’s game. The music is a pretty cheesy but it fits the goofy style of the game. The sound effects fit the cartoony environment, but the lack of music in certain levels (particularly Bartzilla) made the game feel a little slow back when I was a kid. I love the music for Bartman’s level, though. The video below does a pretty good job of explaining the level too.

The Play:  Windy World is primarily a 2-D side scrolling area where Bart travels back and forth in search of homework pages. Each world features different gameplay, however. The Bartman and Bartzilla are arcade-style side scrolling with shoot ‘em up elements. The bloodstream area finds Bart “swimming” (complete with mask and snorkel) and using his pump to kill germ enemies who come from the bottom of the screen. The yellow door leads Bart in a comical and deadly house, going from room to room avoiding all kinds of household villains while fighting both Itchy and Scratch with various weapons. This area plays like an old school beat ‘em up game. The orange door leads Bart to Maggie’s Temple, where he must hope from pillar to pillar in order to traverse the temples dangers.

The Entertainment: This game had a lot of different styles of play and all of them offer different joys and frustrations. My favorite levels as a kid were Bartman, the germ level, and Itchy and Scratchy. Nothing is as satisfying as smacking a cat with a hammer… and doing it in a game is just as fun!

See what I mean? | simpsonscrazy.com

The Challenge: The majority of the challenge in this game came from figuring out what exactly you had to do to accomplish anything. Another problem came with dying, as this like many games in its time didn’t believe in save points and the arcade style gameplay wanted to promote repeated play – always from beginning to end. Oh, and even if you don't fail a level, the game requires you repeat some of the mini-games multiple times to get the best ending. At least you get to choose which ones...

The Legacy: The real legacy of this game comes from the nostalgia it provides to us 90’s kids. The game is one of many attempts to put Simpsons into the gaming realm and this particular entry does so pretty successfully. And let us not forget, you get to hit cats with hammers!

Well, that wraps up another week of Re-Play! One last thing for you Minecraft fans...

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[Skyrim Double Feature] The Imperial Argument

This article was written by my good friend Pierre Roderique.  I hope you guys enjoy it!

*Spoiler Alert* This article contains spoilers about The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. It is one of two articles arguing opposing sides of the Skyrim's Civil War. The Stormcloak Argument can be found here.

The Imperial, the champion of the Empire.

On Wednesday, Sean wrote an article in support of the Stormcloaks, explaining away their faults and trying to undermine the position of the Empire. At the end of that article, he promised that I would write a follow-up explaining just what makes the Empire so great; well, here it is. 

Anyone who has played Skyrim knows about the Stormcloaks and the Imperials; their struggle forms the backdrop of the game, creating context and breathing life into a game world that would otherwise consist of the Dovahkiin solving minor grievances and occasionally fighting dragons. Indeed, I could hardly be arsed to keep playing the game once I had finished the Imperial quest line, as by then I had already had my fill of killing dragons. 

The Imperials fight to prevent the separation of Skyrim from the Empire; they recognize the need for unity now more than ever, with the Thalmor breathing down their necks and war threatening to break out at any moment. It cannot be stressed enough just how important Skyrim is to them, for both its cultural and military significance. If the Stormcloaks represent America during the American Revolution, the Imperials represent America during the Civil War. 

Can... can we ALL be America?

Skyrim is a land run by barbarism and chaos; the Jarls, rulers of their respective lands, can never come to agreement on anything, and do not do nearly enough to support their people. These people are their direct charge, faces they see every day, and yet they are perfectly willing to pay random strangers who happen to amble into town to deal with problems they should really be training their own soldiers to handle. The reason, they will tell you, is that their soldiers are all off fighting for either the Stormcloaks or the Imperials; yet, there would be no war if Ulfric Stormcloak had not decided that his desire for the throne of High King was more important than the stability of his country. 

Ulfric’s desires are one of the reasons he is difficult to trust. Torygg, the previous High King, was a good friend and ally of Ulfric’s; yet, before the game starts, Ulfric uses the power taught to him by the Greybeards to kill Torygg in a duel. Had he simply asked Torygg to aid him in his struggle, things might have been different; for one thing, he would have had the full force of Skyrim to back him up. He chose, however, to murder his old friend in the hopes of securing his path to the throne. 

Another problem arises in the form of racism between the Nords and every other race. Many Nords want nothing to do with “outsiders,” of which there are many. Most Nords treat members of other races coldly, and this is reflected in the Stormcloaks as well. If you attempt to join their ranks as a member of another race, they will grill you about your choice. They are fully aware of their intentions from the beginning: to push all non-Nords out of Skyrim, and make it their own. I’m not about to make any unfavorable comparisons here, but that kind of racial discrimination is incredibly shortsighted and is apt to put Stormcloaks in a position of severe weakness once the war is done. 

The greatest problem with the Stormcloaks’ Rebellion, however, is what it means for Tamriel as a whole. For every day the war drags on, the Thalmor gain a greater advantage. They admit in one of their reports that they had a role in influencing Ulfric to start his rebellion, supplying him with weapons and supplies he only recently ceased accepting. They know that the war works in their favor; anything that can be done to weaken their enemies without losing their own soldiers works in their benefit. And should Ulfric succeed in his war and gain independence for Skyrim? While his forces work to rid the country of non-Nords, the Thalmor will waltz in and steamroll the entire nation. They simply have too much working in their favor to be reasonably dealt with during the time the game takes place; the Imperials are tacticians, and recognized this fact immediately. 

The Empire has chosen to bide its time and wait until they have a reasonable shot at beating the Thalmor before striking at them again. They know that even if they could unite the countries of Tamriel, their combined power would not be enough to stop the Thalmor. Thus, they bide their time and try to build up their forces; the Stormcloak rebellion does little more than slow this process down. By fighting the Empire, the Stormcloaks are unwittingly playing directly into the Thalmor’s hands. 

Now, it’s true that the Empire signed the White-Gold Concordat and banned the worship of Talos as part of their peace treaty with the Thalmor. However, it must be noted that they did this to save lives; while it is true that some Nords still die as the Thalmor “uncover” them as Talos worshippers, this is nothing compared to the number of deaths which would have resulted from continuing the war. Moreover, these deaths could be forgotten completely if the Nords would simply accept the abolition of Talos; it is their own stubborn pride that allows the Thalmor to abuse their power to arrest and execute Talos worshippers. 

Many Nords feel that those who serve the Empire are traitors, but in the end it is just the opposite: the Nordic Imperials care about the well-being of their people, but are willing to look beyond the immediate future to see the repercussions their actions will have in the grand scheme. They work to preserve unity in order to prevent the country they love from meeting a disastrous fate. 

The Empire may not be taking the most heroic course of action, but they are taking the smartest. They fight to ensure a future for themselves and all of Tamriel. The Stormcloaks fight to satisfy their own selfish and racist ideals, and are steering themselves towards an early, ignoble death. 

The banner of the Imperial Legion, because fuck bears, dragons are cool!

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[Skyrim Double Feature] The Stormcloak Argument

*Spoiler Alert* This article contains spoilers about The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. It is one of two articles arguing opposing sides of the Skyrim's Civil War. The Imperial Argument can be found here.

The Stormcloak, the dedicated defender of Skyrim's freedom.

         It’s been awhile since The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim came out (4 months and 10 days by my count), but there’s still one argument that seems to pop up on video game forums an awful lot (aside from the inevitable “Where do I get my nude mods?”): Who is right: the Stormcloaks or the Imperials?

Even though the civil war/revolution isn’t technically the main quest line in the game, it’s mentioned so often that is might as well be.  While people recognize that there are DRAGONS attacking Skyrim’s cities and villages, they seem more concerned with the significantly more mortal and easy to kill Nords and Imperials running around hacking each other to bits.

I may have strayed a little too much from my point in that last paragraph…  Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the Stormcloaks are more in the right than the Empire.  They fight for better reasons than the Imperials and their leader Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak is only slightly more of a dick than General Tullius.

The Stormcloaks fight for two main reasons as far as I can tell: political independence and religious freedom.  You know what country did that in our world?  The United States of America.

America!  Fu-  Never mind, that meme is too old.

First I’ll discuss their desire for political independence.  The politics in Stormcloak are much like feudal Europe’s were back in the day.  There the High King or Queen who rules over all of Skyrim and eight jarls that govern the eight holds that aren’t under the High King or Queen’s direct control.  When the High King dies, the jarls (and likely whoever is in charge of the late king’s hold) come together to select a new High King or Queen to rule over Skyrim.  During the events of the game, there are nine jarls, as the High King was killed and the moot has not yet met to elect a new jarl.

However, since Skyrim is part of the Empire, the titles of High King and High Queen are largely ceremonial and the rulers of Skyrim still have to answer to the Emperor.  The Emperor, being far from Skyrim in his palace in the Imperial City, doesn’t necessarily know what’s best for Skyrim.  The Nordic culture is often disregarded in face of the “betterment” of the Empire, as is shown throughout General Tullius’s campaign to bring an end to the rebellion.

During the events of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, the Empire is a sinking ship that threatens to drag down the rest of Tamriel with it.  Seeing this, Ulfric Stormcloak starts his revolution so keep Skyrim from being destroyed alongside the Empire.  He isn’t the first person to do this either.  Before the events of the game Hammerfell was renounced by the Empire after feeling betrayed by Emperor Tidus II.  Ulfric and many of Skyrim’s citizens feel the same way and want to leave the Empire that threw away so many Nord lives in a pointless war.

Many Imperials and supporters of the Empire believe that if Ulfric Stormcloak proves victorious and Skyrim’s secedes from the Empire it will only serve to make a Thalmor victory easier.  While there is a chance of this happening, do not forget that Hammerfell, after being abandoned by the Empire, managed to force the Aldmeri Dominion’s forces out of their lands.  Who’s to say that Skyrim can’t do the same?

With political freedom discussed, I’ll turn to religious freedom argument.  When the Empire lost to the Aldmeri Dominion (and they did lose, the White-Gold Concordant was almost identical to the ultimatum the Thalmor presented to the Empire before the Great War), the right and freedom to worship Talos was banned.  Talos, the divine incarnation of Tiber Septim, the very man who founded the Empire, was abandoned by his people.

Now if the Thalmor wanted to ban the public worship of Talos (much like how the public worship of the Daedric Princes is taboo), then I wouldn’t blame the Empire as much for accepting the terms to preserve the Empire, but the Thalmor completely banned the worship and travel throughout the provinces of Tamriel still controlled by the Empire (and through the Empire the Aldmeri Dominion) and arrest and often execute people suspected of worshipping Talos.  Religious persecution is something that has occurred throughout the history of our world, and it has never ended well for any of the parties involved.

Before I wrap up this argument, I’ll address one of the concerns that people have about this argument: Ulfric Stormcloak and the leaders of the Stormcloak Rebellion.  To be frank, Ulfric is a racist, selfish dick (but most people in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim are racist, otherwise I wouldn’t be the only khajiit allowed into the different cities).  I won’t even try to deny it.  However, he takes it upon himself to free Skyrim from the rule of the Thalmor, something no other man or woman was willing to do.

He's a dick, but damn does he have a sense of style!

His primary mistake was killing High King Torygg, who would have likely joined Ulfric’s cause.  Instead, the Jarl of Windhelm let his desire to become the High King cloud his judgment and he killed Torygg in battle.  Whether Ulfric used his voice to “shout High King Torygg to pieces” or he killed Torygg in an honorable duel, he still killed a potential ally out of greed.

However, despite this, Ulfric ultimately has his heart in the right place.  He fights for the people of Skyrim, and unlike the Imperial leaders he actually walks among his soldiers and speaks to his people, rather than having his officers relay all of his orders to the men and women who fight under his banner.

“I fight for the men I’ve held in my arms, dying on foreign soil!  I fight for their wives and children, whose names I heard whispered in their last breath… I fight so that all the fighting I’ve already done hasn’t been for nothing!  I fight… because I must.”

“But Sean,” you say. “Politicians will say anything to sway the people and gather support!”

“Reader,” I reply.  “That is most certainly true!  However, when Ulfric says this, he is speaking to Galmar Stone-Fist, a man he has known for years and doesn’t need to convince.  Aside from the Dovahkiin and Ulfric’s steward Jorleif, there is no one else in the room.  Ulfric speaks those words because they are how he truly feels.

Ulfric and the Stormcloaks fight for just and noble causes: freedom from an Empire that will only serve to slowly kill them and the right to worship their god.  The Empire only fights in hopes of holding on to Skyrim so that it can maintain its illusion of control over Tamriel.

The Stormcloak banner, because bears are awesome.

Stayed tuned for my friend Pierre's Imperial Argument!

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Violence and Brand Identity: Legal Issues in Gaming

Happy St. Patrick’s Day readers! A few weeks ago, I discussed the legal side of video games and how it affects us as game loving consumers. Today, I’d like to revisit the legal issues with the gaming industry and entertainment in general. A series of podcasts from a series called Entertainment Law Update by Gordon P. Firemark, Esq. will provide the topics of discussion today.

Obscene v. Violent

The first podcast, titled “Episode 22: Violent Games, (anti) Slapps and other painless fun”, featured issues regarding a variety of topics including the Mike Tyson tattoo controversy that spawned from the Hangover II and everyone’s favorite song dedicated to a day of the week!

www.bittenandbound.com

While these issues don’t directly relate to gaming, there are still lessons to be learned from the cases. The Hangover II case, for example, reminds us to be extra diligent when using any type of graphic or visual representation that is associated with a particular person or company. Keep in mind, for you aspiring video game programmers out there, that you should probably gain clearance if you are to depict anything in a video game that is a reference to a real person or company, as right of likeness cases pop up all over the place, even when they may not be intentionally infringing. (Note: This is just my opinion. I’m not a lawyer, so please consult someone who gets paid to give that kind of advice!)

The real topic of interest is the video game law that got turned down in California. Basically, the State of California proposed a law that would make it illegal to sell video games with certain themes (such as violence) to minors. Retailers that did sell these restricted games to minors would suffer a fine of $1000. The Supreme Court ultimately turned down the law, stating that it was too broad and conflicted with the First Amendment. Firemark and his associate, Tamara Bennett, offer their opinions. Bennett agreed with the Supreme Court’s decision, stating that the restrictions the Supreme Court currently has in place deals with obscenity in media, not violence. She suggests that the State of California’s new video game law is trying to apply the restrictions that deal with obscenity to violence, which is a big leap to make. Furthermore, the State of California is asking that the law only apply to video games. My opinion on this matter can be found in a prior post.

This is an important decision for those of us in the video game industry, as a law such as the one proposed could greatly decrease our customer base as well as create higher barriers when selling products. Moreover, from an artistic point of view, it could cause game developers to censor their work, making the stories that they want to tell less realistic. Realism in games is part of what makes playing them so appealing. The question, however, is how far can we take realism before it becomes harmful in the real world?

Realism v. Brand Damage

The second podcast, titled “Episode 28: Political campaigns, combat helicopters and Batmobiles,” covers a variety of topics, the most interesting of which is EA’s use of the First Amendment in it’s game Battlefield 3.

www.wikipedia.org

Basically, Textron, a helicopter manufacturer, threatened legal action against EA if the company included Textron’s trademarked helicopters, the AH-1Z, UH-1Y, and V-22. In a preemptive response, EA filed suit against Textron, citing the First Amendment and the freedom of artistic expression. Part of EA’s defense rests in the fact that it provides a disclaimer stating it does not endorse any particular brand of vehicle or weapon in the game, and, likewise, EA is not featuring any brand of vehicle or weapon more prominently than another. The case was resolved in EA’s favor, stating that the freedom of artistic expression trumps trademark protection. You can read more details of the case here.

Battlefield 3 helicopter | joystiq.com

This outcome is a double-edged sword for us in the gaming industry. On the plus side, EA is allowed to create a realistic video game that features real-world brands and puts them in front of the player, which can be good for the company as well. The problems, however, quickly accumulate. What if, in Battlefield 3, there is a segment where a helicopter malfunctions and causes the squad to crash in enemy territory? What if that helicopter was a V-22 Bell, one of Textron’s trademarked models? Does this say that this model is unreliable? While many are likely to view the crash as a result of war, it is nonetheless a possible question to consider.

How can we resolve this conflict? We want the games to be realistic, which means using real world brands. Likewise, realism dictates that sometimes real-world products malfunction, break, or otherwise cease to be useful. Companies argue, however, that they don’t want to be associated negatively and scenarios like the one above could be damaging to their brand. As a business owner, I’d had to see my brand being exploited and portrayed in a negative light, especially without my consent, but I can definitely see the argument of creative expression and realism from the game developers side.

How do we strike the balance, then? One of the legal system’s favorite video games to target, the Grand Theft Auto series, has one solution: mock existing brands.

Notice Sprunk, a clear imitation of Sprite | www.newpcgamesite.com

What do you think? How can we strike a balance between realism and fantasy in our video games so that we, as consumers, can distinguish between the two?

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[Gaming On A Budget] Part I: Bitching, BioWare, and Realm of the Mad God

Hey, you know what I hate? A lot of stuff. Because I'm incredibly bitter. I don't care if you just had a baby, it looks like a pruney and pink gremlin. Yes, your "varsity" lawn is great, but I don't want to hear about how you sold your soul to get it so nice and green. And, really, I could name about one less than infinity things that I'd rather be doing than hearing about your day. That one thing that I couldn't name? It's hearing about your day. Surprise.

"Honey, that pact I made with Satan came through!
What do you mean 'the baby's gone'? Look at the lawn!!"

But, something I do like is video games. Video games in the morning. Video games in the evening. Video games at supper time. Sadly, even video games have found a way to piss me off. See this?

FINISH THE FIGHT.... for sixty bucks.
MEET A PROTHEAN..... for ten dollars and a shit-eating grin from the Gamestop employee
REALIZE THAT YOU'VE JUST BEEN RIPPED OFF... priceless/your dignity(?)

This was sixty bucks. Seventy bucks, if you were as much of an idiot as I was and bought the DLC. I paid seventy dollars for a piece of entertainment that will last me about, eh, 40 hours? 50, maybe? Granted, that's just considering the single player experience, but I'm not feeling too good about going online any time soon. Apparently (at the time of writing this), there are hacked maps and if you play on one, you can get banned from not only the multiplayer but the singleplayer too, and.... Well, that's material for a whole other review.

I have many names... Satan, HIM, Beelz...

But, you can call me 'Aaryn Flynn.'
Now, about that future DLC for Mass Effect 3 with the real endings..."

The point is is that I love video games, but I hate how expensive they are. If I wanted an expensive hobby, I'd get into Warhammer or an MMO. Maybe buy a handgun and go to the shooting range. I could guzzle expensive bourbons, or I could even go down the street and spend 80 bucks an hour for a little slap and tickle from Ezmeralda and Candice... I got plenty of other options that probably have varying amounts of “fun” attached to them, and they could very well contain more funs than my blind 60-70 dollar investment does.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't have the disposable income for this: I'm a college student. I only have another year of my parents paying for everything before I have to start depending on my salary as a teacher, and we all know how hilarious of a joke that is. The resolution here is simple: play cheap and free games that still supply enough entertainment value to keep me “happy.” Not my biggest challenge, as that particular title belongs to the “don't toss your Sega Genesis out the window while playing Kid Chameleon as an eight-year-old” challenge... But, it's still going to be considerably difficult.

God DAMN IT, BLOODY SWAMP.
I will murder whoever thought rubber stairs was a good idea EVER.

The first game I'm reviewing is called Realm of the Mad God. Created by a small game company, Wild Shadow Studios, Realm of the Mad God is a flash-based MMO that's played from your browser. Nostalgia waved over me instantly as I was presented with several pixelated characters. There are 13 character classes to choose from, though only one is immediately available to you right off the bat: the Wizard. As you play the game and level up your selected class, you unlock the other classes. Surviving as a level five Wizard allows you access to the Priest class. Making it to level five as a Priest makes the Hunter class available. And so on. When you play for the first time, you are taken through a tutorial that gives you the basics of gameplay: WASD to move, mouse to aim, left click to attack, spacebar to use your class's special move (like the Rogue's invisibility or the Priest's healing magic). It also gives you a handy magical ring that will hopefully help you survive longer. That's essentially it.

The cutest murder machines you've ever seen

The game is sinister in its approach, however. What seems to be a relatively easy game in the beginning becomes ball-bustingly hard as you progress through the Realm. The enemies start off as pirates and baby scorpions for you to whomp on.... and then there's the Leviathan and the Tomb Ancients and of course, Oryx: the Mad God himself. They will all crush you. Indefinitely. Even when you think you and fifty other people managed to kill him, you discover that it was just his Simulacrum..... The Real Mad God awaits you in his Wine Cellar.

The best thing about this game is its “I couldn't give less of a shit” attitude it has toward the players. If you die? You're dead. Game over. All items on your person are lost forever. All of your character's progress is gone. Take a look at the leaderboards, see that your character was no where close to as good as these other dead chumps, and then start all over again..... That's awesome. We live in a world in which our video games hold our hands. Yeah, I'm playing through Mass Effect 3 on Insanity right now. Is it really hard? Yeah, of course it is. One shot from an enemy can easily take my lifebar divebomb down to a sliver. But, guess what? If I die? I can just reload from the last save point and try it again. And again. And again. Until I finally get it done and I can move on. Realm of the Mad God takes that idea, picks up the corpse of your max-level Knight full of high tier gear, wipes its bitterly sweet cutesy pixelated ass on it, and says “Better luck next time, dumbass!”

[I'd Google "pixel ass" for a picture to insert here, but I'd rather not flag the FBI. Use your imaginations, guys.]

Now, it's time for me to spit a few specifics out here for you. The game is completely free, to an extent. There is a real-money-into-internet-money thing going on here, but it really is optional. The coins that you can buy can be used to buy additional chests for account-wide item storage, additional character slots, name changes, and items that are simply cosmetic. Now, you CAN buy keys to dungeons and healing potions with coins, but as most players will tell you, it isn't even worth it... Mostly because you are only given one character slot and one chest for free, per account. If you'd buy anything for the game, it'd probably be additional character slots; otherwise, you can only play one character at a time. If you want to try a different class because oh man, you just got this sweet-ass sword that Knights can use and you're a Wizard....it looks like you'll have to say goodbye to your Wizard.

"Dear mom: I'm sorry, but I must leave forever...

A Staff of Necrotic Arcana just dropped, and I can't use it,
because somebody thought I'd make a great Knight. THANKS, DAD."

But, hey, it's hard to complain about something that's free. The game has several servers connected by a hub (called "The Nexus"), and each server can hold a little over 80 people simultaneously. Also, every time the server's inhabitants manage to kill the Mad God, the entire world gets completely remade into a new one. The player base consists mostly of English-speaking people, though I have met quite a few Russians during my travels. Everyone is helpful, generally. Occasionally you'll get the annoying beggar, or someone will grab an item that you wanted, but none of it usually matters too much. If you get annoyed with a certain player, it takes about a grand total of 30 seconds to switch servers. As for the items, most of the good stuff that drops depends on how much damage you do to higher-level monsters. These item drops, which will be purple instead of the typical brown, can only be seen and picked up by you: no one else will have a clue that something special dropped just for you. Therefore, item stealing only really happens in the early stages of your character's journey... even then, the items being stolen are hardly worth the tears.

All in all, this game is pretty addicting. I've sunk some major hours into this fun little game without spending a single cent. If you got some free time, a little patience to lose, and a thirst for mindless nostalgic point-and-shoot with a twist... Check out Realm of the Mad God. Before I leave, I should warn those of you out there with bad internet connections: play Realm of the Mad God at your own risk. Your character can easily die due to a lag spike, and if you've spent a great deal of time getting that character leveled up, prepare to become butthurt.

This is Cameron Lawrence, signing off. See me next time when I either rant about how pissed off I am at Bioware for ruining a perfectly good franchise... Or, when I talk about how I want to have mind-blowingly passionate/rough sex with whoever thought up the little game that's sweeping the nation, Draw Something. Goodnight.

They never found the body of Spiderman 3: The Video Game.

They'll never find you

Helpful Links:

Realm of the Mad God

Realm of the Mad God Wiki Incredibly useful, I highly recommend giving this site a look-through before beginning your first game.

Image sources for those so inclined, in order of appearance.

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[Re-Play] Kingdom Hearts

Walt Disney was notorious for being an innovator in many categories. His legacy, the Walt Disney company, is likewise known for adding magic to every aspect of life. It is for both of those reasons that Kingdom Hearts is a pleasant, but somewhat expected development. For those of you unfamiliar with Kingdom Hearts, it is a hack n’ slash adventure game with RPG elements that mashes Disney characters with some of the basic Final Fantasy principles and even features cameos from characters like Cloud and Tidus.

wikipedia.org

In Kingdom Hearts, You assume the role of Sora, a young teen with a good heart. Sora hails from a far away land called Destiny Island where he enjoys spending time with his friends Riku and Kairi. To make a long story short, Sora’s home eventually gets attacked some creatures called Heartless. Like Kanye West, Sora wonders how they could be so heartless, and is eventually awarded the Keyblade to defend himself. Lots of awful things happen and he eventually ends up in Traverse Town (which essentially serves as the main hub world) and meets up with Donald Duck (a mage) and Goofy (a knight). The three decide to work together and they become your allies for the remainder of the game.

Goofy, Sora, Donald

 As the story progresses, Sora and his pals travel to different worlds, each based on a different Disney movie. You’ll explore several familiar places including Wonderland, Agrabah, and Halloween Town as well as new worlds unique to this game. Most levels offer a world-exclusive ally (such as Aladdin in Agrabah or Tarzan in the Deep Jungle) and they generally have pretty sick abilities which make them worth using. There are also some areas that you can spend time with if you get tired of the main story: on Olympus Coliseum you can partake in tournament-style combat or you can venture into the 100 Acre Wood for some mini-games, but I don’t really recommend the latter. So, now that you know the basics, let’s dive into Kingdom Hearts!

kingdomhearts.wikia.com

The Idea: Combine two unrelated intellectual property to make one of the most unique gaming experiences in recent memory. Redesigning the Disney characters to make them more appealing to a young male demographic while also appealing to consumers as a “family friendly” game.

gamershell.com

The Look: Take the cartoonish animation Disney is known for and apply a layer of grit. Relive childhood memories as you explore your favorite hero’s hometown.

The Sound: The music is mostly remixed tunes from Disney films and tends to fit the mood well. Most are hits (“This Is Halloween” from The Nightmare Before Christmas, the music in Hollow Bastion) but some are better served in smaller doses (“Under The Sea” from the Little Mermaid). Voice acting isn’t bad, although the script is a little cheesy, but that’s to be expected.

The Play: Aside from a few camera issues during boss fights, the controls are extremely solid. Controlling Sora feels natural for the majority of the game. It’s when he leaves the ground that things become a little difficult to manage, but after about 10 minutes with the controls things start to make sense again.

The Entertainment: Watching Goofy run headfirst and smack little goons with his shield is pretty much the only reason I need to play this game. Luckily, there’s a lot more fun to be had here. For completionists, there are several things to collect (from 101 Dalmatians to Torn Pages) and two non-story worlds available to explore.  Aside from journeying to familiar locales and exploring them in greater depth, it’s interesting to see all the characters in the Disney Universe (loosely) tied together. If only I could bring Jack with me for every world…

The Challenge: The bosses are pretty unique and require a bit of trial and error to defeat. Non-boss combat is pretty much just to pass time and make levels feel longer, at least until you get to the later levels and enemies become more difficult. The game isn’t the most difficult and intricate game in recent memory, but it definitely requires some strategy and thought.

The Legacy: Besides spawning countless sequels, this game serves as one of the greatest mash-ups in gaming to this date. In fact, I can personally attest that this game made me reinvest my interest in Disney when I first played it and also got me hooked on Final Fantasy games.

LynxGriffen on deviantART.com

That's all for this week! What was your favorite memory of Kingdom Hearts? What’s your favorite Disney character of all time? Leave any thoughts below in the comments!

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[Top 10] Girls from The Legend of Zelda

The Legend of Zelda is a relatively popular video game series (you’ve probably heard about it) chock-full of swords, magic, triangles, hats, fish people, talking shrubs, and girls.  Yes, you heard (or rather read) correctly: girls.  In the 26 years the franchise has been out (that’s longer than some of you kiddos have been alive!), The Legend of Zelda has given us great stories, compelling characters, and enough water dungeons to make you want to scream.

But this article isn’t about everything the Zelda series has to offer.  Instead, I’ll be talking about the 10 best girls in the games, because we all know you’ve fantasized about one or more of them at least once (or is it just me?).  *Ahem* Anyway, here we go!

Oh, and there are some spoilers for those of you who have not played these games.  Sorry in advance, but you’ve been warned.

10. The Oracles

Appeared In: The Oracle of Ages, The Oracle of Seasons, The Minish Cap, Ocarina of Time

I realize that the Oracles are technically three individual girls, but they’re also sisters and (kinda) goddesses, so I think I can break the rule and include them in one entry.  Besides, if I do, that’s more girls we get to include in the article, and I’m sure no one has an issue with that!

Anyway, the Oracles are Din (left), Farore (center), and Nayru (right), three women that share their names with the goddesses that, according to some legends, created Hyrule and the lands surrounding it.  We’ll start with Din.

Din is the Oracle of Seasons, meaning that she can decide when it’s winter (hopefully never), when we can all go swimming, when the leaves fall, and when it’s time for Spring Break.  In short, she’s pretty powerful.  She’s also a talented dancer and many believe that she’s an incarnation of Din, the Goddess of Power.

Farore is the mysterious Oracle of Secrets, and when I say mysterious, I mean it.  Her game, The Legend of Zelda: Mystical Seed of Courage was originally supposed to be released along the Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons, but was scrapped.  Instead, Farore got stuck living in a tree and keeping track of incredibly powerful secrets that Link could learn if he traveled between the lands of Holodrum and Labrynna.  While it may seem like Farore got the short end of the proverbial stick, she is likely an incarnation of the Goddess of Courage (note: the goddess responsible for making Link), so she’s probably okay with living in a tree, it’s quiet there.

Nayru is the third and final Oracle and is also known as the Oracle of Ages.  In her main game, Nayru is a talented singer and can travel from the present to the past, and vice-versa, but apparently not into the future (Either that or she doesn’t let us know that she can.  Clever girl…).  She was possessed by the Sorceress Veran, but was later saved by Link and helped the Hero of Time save Labrynna from a dark fate.  Not bad.  Oh, and like the other two Oracles, Nayru is believed to the incarnation of the Goddess of Wisdom, who shares her name.

9. Anju

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, The Minish Cap

Anju has appeared in three different Zelda games (two of which are my personal favorites, guess which ones they are).  She’s most often a Cucco keeper, although why anyone would want to keep those murderous fowl as pets is beyond me.  However, Anju’s breakout role is in Majora’s Mask where she tells us her name and asks us to help reunite her with her fiancé Kafei.

If you’ve never played Majora’s Mask the storyline involves saving the evil-faced moon from crashing into Termina and destroying everyone in it.  Yeah, yeah, we know it’s a big deal, but in many ways reuniting Anju and Kafei seems so much more important.  Heroes are supposed to save the world, but saving a wedding isn’t something Link’s commonly called upon, so when he is, he makes sure the job gets done!

Anju is a nervous young woman who can’t cook to save her life (trust me on this), and to make matters worst, her fiancé has disappeared and her mother keeps telling her that he ran off with Cremia, Anju’s best friend.  However, Anju doesn’t despair and calls upon our hero Link to help her.

She shows her true courage near the end of the game when she’s finally reunited with Kafei and instead of running away from the doomed Clock Town, she and her fiancé decide to stay behind and greet the dawn together.

8. Saria

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Ocarina of Time

Girl number eight likes taking long walks in the forest, listening to ocarina music, the color green, and sealing away ancient evil.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Saria!  She is Link’s best friend in Ocarina of Time (arguably the best Zelda game), and when I say “best friend,” I really mean “only friend.”

While everyone else is having fun mocking the Hero of Time, Saria plays it smart and sticks up for him, a good move in the long run.  Like the Oracles, Saria is not all that she appears to be.  Packed inside this three-foot-tall Kokiri lass is the power of the Sage of Forest.

Saria plays a pivotal role in Ocarina of Time by helping Link take the fight to Ganondorf and saving Hyrule from eternal darkness.  Not bad for a girl that’s eternally 10-years-old.

7. Princess Ruto

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Ocarina of Time

Ruto and I had a love-hate relationship when I played Ocarina of Time.  I went charging ahead into Jabu-Jabu’s stomach to rescue her (Jabu-Jabu being a giant whale/fish creature), she decides that I should carry her around on my back, severely limiting my combat and “rescuing fish princesses” capabilities.  But whatever, it kept her from bitching at me the whole time, and if there’s one thing I and most other guys in the world hate, it’s getting bitched at.

Personal rant aside, Princess Ruto does a 360 when you meet her seven years later.  She’s no longer a selfish spoiled brat.  Instead, she’s become a confident and capable woman who takes her duties as the princess of the Zora quite seriously.  After narrowly escaping a freezing fate, Ruto dives headlong into the Water Temple, which any Zelda fan can tell you is the worst kind of temple (seriously, watch videos about Water Temples, they suck).

Oh, and Princess Ruto’s the only girl who is actually straightforward about her attraction to Link (*hint, hint* Zelda).

6. Impa

Zeldawiki.org

Appears In: The Legend of Zelda, Skyward Sword, Ocarina of Time, Oracle of Seasons, Oracle of Ages, The Adventure of Link

Impa is, for lack of better word, a badass (and very likely a ninja).  She made her first appearance in The Legend of Zelda (well, the manual) and is responsible for seeking out Link so Princess Zelda could be rescued and Ganon defeated.  She steps up her game in Ocarina of Time, where she is Zelda’s guardian and a Sheikah (a.k.a. a badass ninja, as previously mentioned).  In Skyward Sword, Impa’s retains her role as Zelda’s guardian, protecting the young girl and staying with her in the past.

While she doesn’t always play a prominent role in the games, when Impa’s around she’s usually out in the battlefield being awesome (I’m going to let the Oracle games slide).  She’s shown that she’s capable of duking it out of Ghirahim, she can turn invisible, and she can seal away ancient evil in a well.  All in a day’s work for Impa.

5. Fi

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Skyward Sword

While Eiji Aonuma says that Fi isn’t technically female (and as the man in charge of The Legend of Zelda, I’m inclined to agree with him), Fi is definitely feminine in appearance, and since every other companion for Link has been female, we’ll call her a girl.  Now that we’ve taken care of that, on to the meat of this particular entry!

Fi is the spirit of the Master Sword (a.k.a. the most powerful weapon in The Legend of Zelda) and also serves as the guide of its wielder (Link).  She’s also one of the first companions since Majora’s Mask to provide useful information when asked (in Midna’s defense she would point out the weaknesses of some bosses), which is so very nice.  Her last power is the ability to turn the Master Sword into a dowsing machine to help Link find treasure or people.

Once the day is saved from Ghirahim, Fi fades away into the Master Sword, never to be heard from again (unless she makes an appearance in the next game).

4. Malon

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Ocarina of Time, The Minish Cap, Oracle of Seasons

Oh Malon, you were always my favorite girl (what, I have a thing for redheads, sue me!).  Now, before anyone gets up in arms about the picture, I just want to point out that Cremia and Romani (pictured) are the counterparts to adult and child Malon respectively.  So when you look at them, you pretty much see Malon at ages 17 and 10.

Anyway, Malon gets the number four slot because she provides Link with one of his greatest allies ever: Epona.  And she’s cute.  Malon comes across as very down to earth and is easily the more responsible of the two Lons (Seriously, her father is a lazy good-for-nothing!).  She spends most of her time raising horses, Cuccos, and cattle, but every now and then she takes a break to race or sing, and between you and me, she’s got an amazing voice.

Sadly, Malon has not made an appearance since The Minish Cap, which saddens me.  Did we really need Ilia?  I, for one, would have preferred this copper-haired beauty.

3. Midna

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Twilight Princess

I’ll give it to you straight, I hated Midna at first.  She was always ordering me around, making me collect stupid jewels for her against my will, treating me like a dog.  It was almost like having a terrible girlfriend, something I like to avoid as a general rule.  However, it wasn’t too far into the game where I began to love Midna.  We had just blown up a bomb warehouse, and the only thing she could think to say was “Well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

After that it was me and Midna, causing all sorts of trouble in our attempts to save Hyrule.  And once Princess Zelda was safe, Midna decided she had enough of being a two foot imp and turned into the picture above.  Not bad, not bad at all (she’s more human than Ruto at least).  Now if only she was able to tell me more about my enemies…

2. Princess Zelda

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Pretty much everything but Majora’s Mask and Link’s Awakening

I bet some of you are confused that Princess Zelda is only ranked at number two, despite the entire franchise being about her.  Well, I don’t know what to tell you, so I guess I’ll just write this entry and be done with it.

Zelda’s pretty boss, she’s the Princess of Hyrule, the Seventh Sage, the Oracle of Hope, and the Spirit Maiden.  In other words, she’s got a lot of work on her hands trying to keep Hyrule safe long enough for Link to clean up the mess.  She’s also apparently an incarnation of the goddess Hylia and is born again every couple hundred years alongside the Hero of Time.

My favorite part about the Princess Zelda is her ability to disguise herself and kick some serious ass.  In the Ocarina of Time she was Sheik, the “last of the Sheikah” and a badass ninja (just like Impa!).  In Wind Waker she disguised herself as Tetra, a young pirate captain that sailed around and didn’t follow anyone’s rules but her own.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Zelda is the fact that she and Link never tie the knot despite the fact that every fan of the series knows they should (it’s like Jim and Pam from The Office!).  However, given the fact that the two main character undergo reincarnation quite often, that’d almost mean that they’re related… possibly?  I don’t know, reincarnation’s not really my thing.

1. Navi

Zeldawiki.org

Appeared In: Ocarina of Time

Hey! Listen!  I’m pretty sure a lot of you are confused as to why I’d give Navi first place in this column, so hear me out.  Navi is assigned to protect and guide Link by the Deku Tree, and by God she does her best throughout the entire game.  Now I know that Navi is annoying as hell, shouting “Hey!” and “Listen!” more often than you breathe, but on the bright side she doesn’t ride you around the world or complain about some stupid kid with a mask ruining everything for her (I’m looking at you Midna and Tatl).

And let us not forget that Navi was a key part of the Z-Targeting system in Ocarina of Time, which was a pretty big deal at the time.  She changed the system from an upside down triangle into a mini encyclopedia about nearly every enemy monster in the game.  The only enemy that manages to throw off Navi is Ganon himself!  The Gerudo King is the only one strong enough to stop Navi from helping you out, how many other companions in any game are that loyal?

Once Ganon is defeated, Navi apologizes for her inability to help in that fight, but the moment the Prince of Darkness returns, she turns to Link (or so I’d assume, it’s kinda hard to tell given that she’s nothing more than a winged ball of light) and says: “There’s no way he’s going to hold me back again!  This time, we fight together!”

So yeah, Navi is the best Zelda girl out there.  No one else comes close, not even Zelda herself.

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